Campaign Promises
Cast yourself back and think on all the previous candidates you've voted for (or if you're in the 75-80% of students who don't vote,
the candidates you didn't give a shit about). How many promises did they make? And how many did they keep? Barry "Bee" Buzzword plans to make even
more promises than those scrubs! And will 100% definitely factually enact all of them if elected. Otherwise the
Executive Performance And
Accountability committee will come after me and remove me (unless of course, I remove them and replace them with my romantic partners)
My Promises
Below, I will maintain a comprehensive list of everything I pinky promise to do once I am elected. If there's something I've said that I haven't added yet, send me a message at @barry.bee.buzzword on Instagram or go scream your request very loudly into your nearest void.- Bully out the other VPs in the first week of their terms by throwing pens at them
- Replace the afformentioned bullied out VPs with my partners/best friends/best friends' partners
- Rename "the Nest" to "The Hive" in honour of bees everywhere
- Convince you to join my mailing list, The Nightly Buzz! I'll send a presidential emails every night at 10:03 pm!
- Require the Speaker of Council to refer to all councilors joining virtually as "Twitch Chat"
- Start throwing Sensory Room raves to promote the sensory rooms
- Get slapped by u/sasamats again 😳
- Prevent people who speak French from running for AMS Queen Bee (formerly AMS President)
- Absorb the Ubyssey into the AMS so they stop publishing mean things about the AMS. They've been independent since 1995 and that's far too long!
- Post u/sasamats' actual real life address to all 60k students (with their permission, ofc). Because the elections administrator won't let them include it in their candidate bio :(
- Get some security guards and/or robot dogs with guns to come out and intimidate students at AMS Council meetings. Don't want anyone getting out of line!
- Rename everything the David Suzuki [INSERT THING HERE] for Sustainability to make the AMS more sustainable
- Get Drédyn and Riley each to write a diss track against the other
- Make some creme brulee
- Swap AMS Council from Robert's Rules of Order to Robert's Rules of Lesbian Living
- Make sure my partner is on the Executive Performance and Accountability committee. If everyone is in conflict of interest, no one is!
- Reduce Ubyssey editor salaries because journalists don't deserve to eat
- Ban anyone named Robert from the Hive (formerly the Nest)
- Give Joanne a raise. She deserves it
- Make all AMS Council sessions in camera so gross and stinky students with opinions can't get in
- Absorb The Ubyssey into the AMS so I can be closer to my love at night
- File a BU1 against anyone who is even a little bit mean to me. You won't be allowed in the Hive (formerly Nest), and if you manage to get in, I'll call some cops with guns to come after you <3
- Buy a Tesla on the AMS's dime
- Get married to u/sasamats, officiated by UbysseyHumour
- Send threats1 to the coordinating editor of the Ubyssey if she doesn't do exactly what I want. For instance, she saw this awesome book and didn't get it for me :(. Straight to cancelled jail, I say!
- Get a vanity license plate with my name (Barry) on it for my Tesla
- Deconstitute (destroy using lawyers and AMS policy) a random resource group. I don't know which one I'll destroy, I think I'll roll on
this d6 table. Since I'm not targetting any
resource group in particular:
d6 roll Result 1 Social Justice Centre 2 Social Justice Center 3 Social Justice Centaur 4 Social Just Ice Centre 5 So Shall Justice Centre 6 Roll twice, ignoring this result - Start consulting! Surveys, posterboards, listening sessions. Where should microwaves go? idk ill ask you lmao
- Scrap the AMS and sell its pieces to private equity firms to cure the deficit
- Appoint Drédyn Fontana as VP Creme Brulee (formerly VP Student Life)
- Kiss The Ubyssey
- Rename AMS President to AMS Queen Bee
- Transfer between $1 and $100 of the AMS's money to a Vancity account because doing more than that is too difficult
Never eat 200 grams of honey in 1 one-hour sitting againEat 50 kg of honey over the course of my term- Institute a 1 hour time limit on how long students can be in The Hive (formerly The Nest) to reduce congestion and open up study spaces
- Send someone else to those Ainsley Carry listening sessions in my place
- Make Riley take every student skydiving
- Add 99 seats to AMS Council (currently 27 voting councilors + 5 executives)
- Purchase a ferris wheel/mechanical bull to provide to any encampments/protests
- Again, to reiterate, no more independent Ubyssey. They do bad journalism (by which I mean being independent journalists and holding the AMS accountable)
